Name: Monster Energy (original)

Blurb: Tear into a can of the meanest energy drink on the planet, Monster Energy. It’s the ideal combo of the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver that big bad buzz that only Monster can. Monster packs a powerful punch but has a smooth easy drinking feeling. Athletes, musicians, anarchists, co-ed’s, road warriors, metal heads, geeks, hipsters, and bikers dig it, you will too.

Review: Its crazy to me that Monster as a brand was able to whether the storm which is how fucking Bad this drink tastes. I like monster (obviously) but like, base monster tastes like liquid puke. It tastes like raw acid reflux its bad. Proof positive of good marketing, I guess. And that blurb man. What a fascinating group of people to claim who dig it. I think the only one I can like, debate is musicians and hipsters. Hipsters are not drinking monster, bestie.

TASTE: F. DESIGN: D. BLURB: A.

OVERALL RATING: GOOD ENOUGH

Name: Monster Energy Blue Electric

Blurb: It doesn't have one : (

Review: The Quik Trip I stop in on the way to work to grab a can of monster if I forgot to stock up gives one of these aways with any purchase of any monster. Which can only mean it’s a great success. It’s like fine I guess. Reminds me of Ghost energy in a way? Which I like well enough. And I get it for free so its worth the price. Kinda Charmless and Depressing without a blurb or weird little detailing.

TASTE: B. DESIGN: D. BLURB: F.

OVERALL RATING: FREE IS A GOOD PRICE

Name: Monster Energy Zero Ultra (aka the white can)

Blurb: Some people are impossible to please. As soon as they got what they thought they wanted they always want more. Our team riders and Monster Girls are no different… They’ve been dropping some hints lately. They’ve been asking us for a new drink. A little less sweet, lighter tasting, zero sugar, but a full load of our monster energy blend. Sure. White is the new black. We went all out: Monster Energy Zero Ultra.

Review: The classic. Old reliable. If I walk into a bodega, I won’t be certain if they’ll have my favorites, but I’m certain they will have a can that has never looked me down. Perfect pitch. I think my one sincere complaint is that the liquid itself looks like really week cum when poured into an empty jar. But it makes up for it by giving girlies like me the title of Monster Girl. Hell yeah.

TASTE: A. DESIGN: C. BLURB: B.

OVERALL RATING: CLASSIC FOR A REASON

Name: Monster Energy Ultra Fantasy Ruby Red

Blurb: We’re always dreaming up new things at Monster and sometimes we totally break convention. Enter Ultra Fantasy Ruby Red. It may be the best tasting Ultra yet! Not too sweet, not too tart, it’s got a fresh citrus taste that’ll blow your mind. While it’s light and super easy drinking, it’s serious performance. Ultra Fantasy is packed with all the Monster Energy Blend you’ve come to expect. We called on longtime friend Pinky Taylor for design. OG fans might remember seeing him doing live paintings at Monster events as they rolled through town. We’ve got his painted surfboards and canvases hanging all over HQ. Now you’ve got your own Pinky masterpiece too.

Review: Alllllllll the fuck in on style. I generally think of the differences between Ultra and Juice branded drinks mainly being that Juice has more elaborate cans, but thats completely broken by this one. Love love love the art on this can. Reminds me a bit of the work of Jhonen Vasquez. Shame I don’t like how it tastes all that much. Crazy overpromising on the blurb because this is, and this is true: Just Cherry Flavored. And i’m not crazy about cherry flavored things unfortunately. Love the name at least.

TASTE: C. DESIGN: S. BLURB: C.

OVERALL RATING: GOOD ON A SHELF

Name: Monster Energy Ultra Blue Hawaiian

Blurb: Whether you’re in beast mode, vacay mode, or just chillin island style, Ultra Blue Hawaiian will fire you up to be your best! Light, crisp, and super easy drinking with a tropical tiki twist, Blue Hawaiian is a killer combo of exotic Polynesian fruit flavors that are big on taste, but with zero sugar. With a full load of our world famous Monster energy Blend, this aloha energy will keep you goin and the shakas flowin from dawn patrol to last call.

Review: so like this can is kinda racist, right? Why does the dancer have a shrunken head? Like what’s up with that? I also should mention that I haven’t ever had a blue hawaiian so I can’t compare the taste but. It tastes very good. Hits a reeeeallllly nice balance of sweet and tart. Which kinda sucks because like. The can is racist right? I feel like i shouldn’t drink this because I do not like the can’s Conotations but. It Tastes Good!!

TASTE: S. DESIGN: F. BLURB: D.

OVERALL RATING: WISH IT WEREN'T RACIST!

Name: Monster Energy Ultra Vice Guava

Blurb: Miami has it all, mind-blowing late energy, premier racing from NASCAR to F1, and world class beaches with the hottest clubs right on the sand. Whether you’re an over-the-top partier or an undercover crime fighter in a pastel suit, T-shirt, and loafers-you gotta stay energized! From South Beach to Calle Ocho, looking good and feeling good is what it’s all about. With zero sugar to weigh you down, the fresh taste of perfectly ripened guava, and our world-famous Monster energy Blend, Ultra Vice Guava has you covered.

Review: I have like. Thoughts on this one. First of all, it tastes good. Kinda a strawberry flavor, closest I can get. Not very guava. Another strange thing: The can is going like. All in on Miami Vice/80’s nostalgia in the blurb but the design of the can itself feels a lot more vaporwave? And I guess that’s appropriate since Vaporwave aesthetics pull a lot from the 80’s too, but like. Come on. That pink on that mint? That’s the Vaporwave Colors!! It’s just a bit strange is all. Not bad necessarily, and like I said, I like how it tastes.

TASTE: S. DESIGN: B. BLURB: B.

OVERALL RATING: GROOVIN'

Name: Monster Energy Ultra Strawberry Dreams

Blurb: Some people swear that strawberries are aphrodisiacs. They say if you share a double strawberry with someone then they’ll catch feelings for you. All we know is the flavor of the heart-shaped fruit is perfect for our new zero-sugar Ultra. Wonderfully sweet while slightly tart, this easy-drinking Ultra tastes like a dream. Passionately crafted with the Monster Energy Blend you crave, take one sip and you’ll be crazy for Strawberry Dreams.

Review: So, I’ve admittedly never read the blurb for this one before starting research on this site and Damn this can’s horny as hell. I guess it’s the pink one, so it was either gonna be romance or one For the Girls, but like. An aphrodisiac?? Are people actually saying that about strawberries??? Like, it tastes good and the can is like, peak Vaguely Demented 00’s design but like. Why does the blurb want me to use this for sex??

TASTE: A. DESIGN: A. BLURB: D-.

OVERALL RATING: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Name: Monster Energy Ultra Peachy Keen

Blurb: The summer of love was about hope, peace, and connecting to something bigger than yourself. A time of carefree fun, limitless possibilities, and believing anything but the man. So don’t take our word for it, check it out for yourself ‘cause its all good when you’re sipping Ultra Peachy Keen. Zero sugar, juicy flavor, and Monster Energy Blend from our secret stash. Everyone from boomers to zoomers can get down with that.

Review: So, where I live there are two grocery options. Brand A, which is closer to my house, and Brand B, which is a little further. Despite that, I stick with Brand B because their big 12 variety pack of monster has all bangers, while Brand B’s has this, strawberry dreams, and Ultra Zero. And this flavor is bad enough to warrant driving further for grocery shopping for me. It’s peach, but a lingering, aftertaste-peach. Not a fan, and the 60’s theming of the can is totally inexplicable to me.

TASTE: D. DESIGN: C. BLURB: D+.

OVERALL RATING: AVOID

Name: Monster Energy Juice: Bad Apple

Blurb: Tempted to try? We hope so! Juice Monster Bad Apple is nothing like you’ve had before. Forget your regular apple juice. Bad Apple is so good, it’s almost worth getting kicked out of Eden over. Its got a crisp, dry apple thats not too sweet and goes down smooth. Sinfully great taste and packed with a full load of our Monster Energy Blend.

Review: One of the funniest blurbs ones you’ve tried it. It’s apple juice. This one is apple juice flavored. You drink it and it tastes like caffeinated apple juice. Full stop. Me personally, I would not have gotten kicked out of eden for this one. Apple juice is good, for the record, but not what I’m looking for in my monster though. The “Airbrushed on a black pick-up truck” aesthetic for the can does not help its case.

TASTE: C. DESIGN: D. BLURB: B.

OVERALL RATING: CARBONATED APPLE JUICE

Name: Monster Energy Juice: Rio Punch

Blurb: Brazil does it big. It’s home to over 70% of the fruits ever known. Through in the world’s largest party, the Carnaval in Rio de Janero and you get some epic inspiration! Juice Monster Rio Punch is a totally new taste sensation. It’s a blend of exotic fruit flavors with a hint of spice, that’s fully loaded with our world famous Monster Energy Blend. From the shore of Copacabana Beach to the top of Sugarloaf Mountain, Rio Punch will have you partying into the night.

Review: Love this one. Easily the sweetest flavor, by a lot. But doesn’t push it too far to make it like. Undrinkably sweet. Full tilt fruit punch taste. It’s good stuff. Also, unlike Ultra Blue Hawaiian, I don’t feel as racist for drinking it because the art on the can is like, more genuinely respectful. Reused “exotic” to refer to Fruit Flavors again which is no good, but it’s a step up and I don’t feel as racist about drinking it. It’s fun!

TASTE: S. DESIGN: A. BLURB: B.

OVERALL RATING: CELEBRATORY!

Name: Monster Energy Juice: Viking Berry

Blurb: The vikings were valiant warriors who loved a good drink! They save the very best of what they gathered, grew, bartered, and pillaged for their celebratory feasts. Inspired by wild Nordic berries and Scandinavian fruit comes Juice Monster Viking Berry. Like nothing you’ve ever tasted, Viking Berry blends real fruit juices and exotic flavors for a whole new taste experience. Loaded with our world-famous Monster Energy Blend to power you through your next adventure. Grab your drinking horn and take a swing, skal!

Review: This one’s Weird. Tastes like a more subtle Rio Punch. Just like. General Fruit Juice flavor but in a way that’s a little less sweet than Rio Punch. Which in all fairness is like saying “A little less warm than the surface of the sun”, so it’s not a bad thing. Sometimes you’re not in for something so overwhelmingly sweet, so you get something a little Whiter. On that note, I do think its funny how this can dodges the racism accusations by calling white people "exotic" this time. Very classy. I like the viking woman on the can.

TASTE: A. DESIGN: A. BLURB: A.

OVERALL RATING: TOP SHELF SHIT!!

Name: Monster Energy Juice: Pacific Punch

Blurb: Typical punch it’s Not! Lighter, less sweet, and more complex. A flavor as wide and deep as it’s namesake the Pacific. Naturally, we added our Monster Energy Blend to help put wind in your sails and keep you on steady and course no matter how rough your seas. Pacific Punch awaits your adventure arrrgh...

Review: Monster blurbs love saying “you have never had anything like this before. You might think you know this flavor, but this is way different” and then you drink it and it’s that flavor but carbonated. Anyway this is hi-c. Which is not a problem! Of all the drinks to convert into an energy drink I think hi-c makes the most sense. I also really like the can on this one! It’s pretty thoroughly themed but in a way that isn’t racist, which is a pretty big plus. Love the sandy color for the can, makes it feel dignified. I do wonder why they went so in on the nautical theming for hi-c other than that hi-c itself is nautical themed, kinda. Shrug.

TASTE: A. DESIGN: S. BLURB: B.

OVERALL RATING: NON-PROBLEMATIC FAVE

Name: Monster Energy Hydro Blue Ice

Blurb: 70% of Earth is covered with water. You got bottled water from Mountains, Glaciers, Virgin Springs, Tropical Islands, and The Arctic. There’s Mineralized, Fortified, Ionized, Electrified, pH Balanced, Triple Filtered, and straight out of the city tap. What’s the point? You gotta hydrate every day so you might as well enjoy a boost while you’re at it. Monster Hydro - Non carbonated and lightly sweetened with natural flavors to make it thirst quenching and easy drinking. We added just enough of that "Monster Magic" to get you fired up.

Review: So, back in 2020, I worked as a Census Enumerator for a little bit, which if you don’t know, means I drove around to people who hadn’t done the US Census yet, knocked on their door, and tried to ask them to complete the census. Maybe even do it in person, since it’s really like, a 5 minute process. It was good work, plenty of fresh air, good pay, flexible hours, the downside is I was, on multiple occasions, threatened with a firearm. Which was upsetting, but the lowpoint of that venture is still when I stopped in a gas station, purchased this, and made the horrible decision to drink it. Cannot stress enough that I do not know how anyone could have liked this. Awful experience.

TASTE: Z. DESIGN: D. BLURB: D.

OVERALL RATING: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NEVER BRING THIS BACK.